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As I look around myself and hear the statistics on the number of
failed marriages (mine being one), I have to ask myself "What is
wrong?" God created the first marriage - perfect in all ways -
and now, all I see is imperfection. What happened?
Understanding God’s original design for
marriage will help us to see why we are not experiencing, today, the
kind of intimacy, passion, and union that our Creator intended. The
self-centeredness and alienation that all marriages now wrestle with
tells us that something has gone wrong. According to the book of
Genesis, our struggles can be traced back to a defining moment.
The Temptation And Fall are recorded in
Genesis 3:1-6. Satan, the great deceiver, entered the garden
disguised as a beautiful and cunning creature. He convinced the woman
that God was holding out on her and Adam by denying them the right to
eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (2:16-17). The
deceiver raised doubts about God’s goodness, suggesting that the
Creator didn’t want Adam and Eve to be as wise as He was. Being
deceived, Eve ate of the fruit and "gave some to her husband,
who was with her" (3:6).
Without any recorded word of objection, Adam
ate. (The language of the narrative seems to indicate that Adam may
have been present when Eve ate the fruit but did nothing to
intervene.) What we do know is that he wasn’t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14).
Adam chose his relationship with his wife over obedience to his God.
And all of mankind and creation since then have groaned under the
bitter consequences of his choice (Rom. 8:22-23).
The Consequences Of The Fall are found in
verses 7 and 10 of Genesis 3:
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and
they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and
made coverings for themselves. . . . "I heard You in the garden,
and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
Three major consequences of the fall to the
marriage relationship were shame, fear, and hiding.
Shame produces fear. Adam and Eve immediately
knew something inside of them had changed. While physically
unaltered, they saw their nakedness differently and experienced shame
for the first time. No longer did they feel comfortable being
uncovered in each other’s presence. They became self-conscious. Their
embarrassment was not that they saw each other’s naked body for the
first time. Rather, it was the way they looked at each other that had
changed. No longer were they looking with eyes of pure love and
devotion. Sin had separated them spiritually from God as their life
source. From now on they would see each other not only as someone
whose love and companionship they craved, but also as a threat to
their well-being.
Spiritual alienation from God has made us a
threat to one another. Because we all are painfully aware that there
are things about us that are flawed and unacceptable, the closer the
relationship, the greater the risk of exposure and consequent
rejection. Nowhere is that felt more than in the closeness required
in marriage. With time comes the awareness of faults and failures.
That’s why we fear openness—with each other and with God. "The
world is not set up for intimacy, but on the contrary for privacy,
and for the most part it abhors the pain and the honesty and the
humility which characterize deep human relationships."(The
Mystery Of Marriage by Mike Mason, p.95 ) The threat of exposing our
sinfulness often compels us to hide.
Fear results in hiding. After doing the one
thing God told them not to do, Adam and Eve were afraid (Gen. 2:10).
They must have remembered that God said they would die if they ever
ate of that one tree (v.17). So, not thinking clearly (which is usually
the case when sin is ruling our hearts), they hid. They should have
known that if God really was all-seeing and all-knowing, hiding would
be futile.
As they hid among the trees, Adam and Eve had
no concept of God’s forgiveness and grace. They knew only that they
had broken the one rule they had been given—and they were afraid of
the consequences.
Ever since that day, fear and hiding have
scarred and marred all human relationships. All of us now discover
for ourselves that "in a fallen world, the most profoundly
experienced human touch is often one that hurts."(Men And Women
by Larry Crabb, p.78) We learn in so many ways that it is dangerous
to let down our guard. Fear rules our relationships, and hiding seems
perfectly reasonable.
Hiding becomes a way of life when distance is
preferred to closeness, and when risking exposure threatens one’s
sense of wholeness. In spite of the fact that we were created to
reflect the likeness of God in our relationships, we spend more time
protecting our own interests and self-image than promoting God’s
interests and reflecting His image.
As we have learned to hide our bodies to
protect ourselves and avoid disgrace, we have learned to hide our
hearts as well (Jer. 17:9). In fact, we are so adept at it that we
are often unaware that we’re hiding. Sometimes, however, we know
exactly what we’re doing. And when we’re caught hiding, we typically
look for a way to shift the blame to others. Time after time we
repeat the pattern of our first parents who when caught red-handed
tried to shift blame away from themselves (Gen. 3:12-13).
Since the fateful fall of the first couple,
our modus operandi has become self-protection at all costs. While we
say we long for intimacy (and we do), the fact is that we abhor the
pain it requires and avoid the honesty and humility that it demands.
We feel trapped. We long to be close, yet we refuse to pay the price
of the closeness we crave and can’t live without. Marriage torments
us with its call to enjoy intimacy but with fear of its exacting
price of self-exposure and vulnerability. Because of the unique
closeness it requires, marriage is probably the most delightful and
demanding of all human relationships.
And as if that wasn’t enough, God levied a
curse on Adam and Eve. This was not merely to frustrate mankind but
to lovingly reveal that, in our fallen state, relationships will not
work apart from a humble brokenness that drives us back to God as our
only source of life and hope.
Gender-Specific Consequences. The Creator’s
apparent intent in the curse was to rig the world so that mankind’s
best efforts to make life and relationships work without reliance on
Him would constantly be frustrated. This consequence wasn’t just
punishment. It was designed to draw straying men and women back to
their God.
The impact on women (Gen. 3:16). The curse on
the woman targeted her relationships.
Relationship is marred by pain. To the woman,
God said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing.” With
these words, God was signaling that the fruit of intimacy with her
husband would not only produce joy but also pain and sorrow. This
pain, however, would not be confined to childbirth. Looking back, we
can see that all of a woman’s attempts to nurture life and cultivate
beauty through loving relationships have been fraught with heartache.
And marriage has been one of her primary battlefields.
Conflict is normal in marriage. God warned
Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over
you.” This text describes the roots of the battle between the sexes.
A woman’s “desire” in this context likely implies a desire for
control (compare the same word in Gen. 4:7).4 A man’s “rule” likely
refers to domination by force. Marriage has become what God never
intended it to be—a struggle for power and control instead of a
complementary relationship of equals.
A woman often struggles to control her
relationship with her husband because she’s afraid of being
controlled by him if she doesn’t. While God has not taken away a
man’s responsibility to provide loving, self-sacrificing, servant
leadership, He knows that a man’s self-centered tendency will be to
misuse his strength and overpower his wife to get what he wants. This
abuse of male power fuels the urge for control on the part of women.
This intensifies a woman’s core struggle with
insecurity. A wife longs to be secure in the strength of her
husband’s love. She feels most secure when he takes the initiative in
tenderly leading her. But when a man violates his call by either
abdicating his leadership or abusing it, a woman feels abandoned and
unloved.
But rather than face their vulnerability and
painful disappointment, women tend to hide their femininity by
controlling or conceding.( There's the fig leaf!)
Women often strive to control the relationship
to minimize their feelings of insecurity. If they risk letting their
vulnerability be seen, they fear it will be ignored. When their
security is threatened, they take control by efficiently managing
their world (such as being so competent that no one would ever
suspect their fears), being so nice (so that anyone denying their
requests would feel like a cad), or by relying on their physical
attractiveness to ensure that they are not abandoned. Women who
practice hiding their heartache by seeking control seldom risk
experiencing their insecurity without a safety net. A
well-thought-out contingency plan is essential to their survival
because “no man is truly trustworthy.”
On the other hand, some women have been so
overpowered and overwhelmed by abusive men that they hide their
feminine hearts by concession. They may have fought for control
earlier, but after being repeatedly crushed by an overbearing man,
they have given up on ever feeling safe and secure in their marriage.
They go along to get along, and they avoid conflict. They end up
settling for a hollow relationship that is mere survival—not truly
living.
The impact on men (Gen. 3:17-19). The curse on
a man relates to his adequacy to creatively manage his work and
initiate leadership with his wife.
Men’s struggle with work. While productive
work was always a part of God’s plan for man (Gen. 1:28-30; 2:15),
God told Adam that all his attempts to sustain life from the earth
would now involve “painful toil” (3:17). The earth would become more
his foe than his friend. The ground that had once yielded abundantly
to his touch would “produce thorns and thistles” that would frustrate
his attempts to eke out a living (v.18). Work now became hard.
Resistance became the norm. Blood, sweat, and tears were required to
survive.
Men’s struggle with adequacy. Men are
typically haunted by the question of whether or not they have what it
takes to love and lead in the way God expects. Chronic fears of
inadequacy are the lingering legacy of God’s curse on men. The curse
exposes their battle to balance all that life throws at them. “Thorns
and thistles” produce hostile opposition not only in their work but
also in their relationships. Commonly, a man’s efforts to measure up
in his marriage are especially frustrated when he is threatened by
his wife’s vulnerability (which he can’t fix) and her demand for
control (which he can’t change). The battle for control in a marriage
with a woman who feels vulnerable and unprotected by a man who feels
inadequate and unfairly criticized is a formula for frustration and
conflict that most men work hard to avoid.
But rather than face their inadequacy and
disappointment in not measuring up, men tend to hide their
masculinity through avoidance or abuse. (There's the fig leaf again!)
Men who feel weak often avoid situations and
relationships (especially with assertive women) where they fear
exposure of their ineptness in leading. When threatened, these men
tend to seek escape through some form of diversion, busyness,
addictive activity, or some area of felt competency. Men who practice
hiding through avoidance won’t risk failure in what matters most to
them. They seek to protect their image at all costs.
Some men who are open in their anger use their
strength to abuse and control physically weaker women. They dominate
with physical intimidation, tongue-lashing, money control, or
relentless put-downs and criticisms, which over time demean and
dishonor the wife God has given to them.
But a man’s avoidance or abuse, or a woman’s
concession or control, is not a solution. Time, love, and tenderness
are needed to restore what has been deeply marred. And that’s exactly
what it will take for marriage to become what God intends it to be—a
work of restoration in progress.
In a healthy marriage, oneness is expressed in
emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy that allows a couple to enjoy
a little taste of what Adam and Eve enjoyed prior to the fall. The
bills, the kids, the struggles, and all the other “stuff” of life
don’t seem to matter so much when lovers shut out the world and focus
on their private celebration of love. A fragrance of heaven is in the
air.
A marriage in which both partners are mutually
stimulating each other to love and good deeds is a relationship that
is passionate, inviting, and a testimony to the existence of God in
this world. Not only does it give a taste of the Garden of Eden to
the couple, it also provides a glimpse of heaven to those who see the
life and love of Christ lived out through them.
First, though, we must have our own assurance
of a relationship with Him. Nothing is more destructive in a marriage
than when partners try to find in each other the love, forgiveness,
and fulfillment that can be found only in God.
Please don’t miss the personal implications.
If you know that you have failed to live up to the love of God but
have no assurance that God has forgiven you, there is hope. Christ is
the source of life that you need. Once you discover that He died in
your place for your sins and rose from the dead to prove it, what
remains is for you to personally trust Him as your Savior (Jn. 3:16;
Eph. 2:8-9). With His life in you, you will have the spiritual life
and sustaining relationship necessary to grow in the love and respect
required to build a vibrant marriage.
The sustaining love of God frees a husband and
wife to truly become one in Christ. And in that kind of a loving marriage,
both man and woman can more fully reflect His likeness together than
either could do alone. Joyful fulfillment in marriage comes through a
sense of completion with a companion who has become your closest
friend and ally in fulfilling your calling to glorify God together.
And that is what God intended marriage to be.
Curtis
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