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What kind of person would you want to perform heart surgery on you?
Would you want someone who was a regular user of cocaine, a
psychopathic killer, or a medical intern who had cheated his way
through medical school? Probably none of the above, right? You would
want someone who was a qualified and competent doctor, someone who
was prepared for the surgery he was to perform on you.
I recently met someone that I thought had all
of the qualifications that I desired for myself and that God desired
for me. She was perfect in every way on the surface. But, I had never
met her face to face and didn't know her true character. Character, that
deep rooted, undeniable imprint of who we really are. Our character
is undeniable because, whether we want it to or not, it eventually
shows itself over time. No matter what we profess to be or even how
we truly think we are, our character will bleed to the surface and
reveal our real self.
So too, you need to be sure that the person
you choose to marry has the right qualifications to be your husband
or wife. This doesn't mean that you should hand out test forms to
everyone you date (although I have recently considered doing this),
but it does mean that you should be aware of what traits are
desirable in a spouse, and what to watch out for. And perhaps most
important of all--what you expect from others should also be evident
in your life!
What character traits were important in the
case of Isaac and Rebekah? As Eliezer came into the town of Nahor, he
prayed and asked the Lord to point out a certain kind of young woman;
and I don't think he was just asking for some arbitrary signs.
Eliezer asked the Lord to bring to him a young woman whose actions
would display a submissive, humble, servant attitude. Those character
traits would be revealed by her willingness to give a drink to
Eliezer and his camels (Gen. 24:13-14).
Remember now that Rebekah didn't know that she
was being observed and therefore was being her true self. When
Rebekah fulfilled those requirements, the account says that Eliezer
watched her closely to confirm if she was the one for Isaac (v.21).
As the situation unfolded, she displayed a sensitivity to the Lord by
her willingness to go with Abraham's servant--even after she heard
his amazing story.
In verse 16, Rebekah is described as being
very beautiful and a virgin. I'm sure that her natural beauty didn't
hurt her chances, though we can't be sure that her beauty was a
determining factor. We can be fairly sure, however, that her
virginity was an important issue. The Old Testament law was very
strict about sexual behavior (Dt. 5:18; 22:13-21). Deception at the
time of marriage about one's sexual purity could even lead to the
death penalty (v.21).
What character qualities are important for
people entering marriage today? Here are some traits you should look
for in others and develop in yourself:
1. Willingness to serve, humility. He or she
should be able to live in harmony with others, be willing to
associate with people of low position, not be conceited (Jn. 13:1-7;
Rom. 12:16). Above all, he or she should be willing to serve you.
2. Sexual purity. Sex was designed for
marriage. You should be saving yourself for someone who has been
saving himself or herself for you (Rom. 13:13-14; Heb. 13:4).
But what if you or the person you are
interested in was sexually active in the past? Have you forfeited the
privilege of a happy marriage? No. You will have to deal with the
emotional scars of those previous sexual activities, but by God's
grace and mercy any person can be completely forgiven and purified by
Christ (2 Sam. 12:13; 1 Jn. 1:9).
According to recent surveys, the odds are that
most singles who read this will have already engaged in sexual
activity. So do you throw the standards out the window? Of course
not. Sin never makes lawlessness okay. Our sin only makes us need
God's mercy and forgiveness more desperately.
The problems in your sexual past or your
future marriage partner's sexual past could be deepseated personality
issues. You would be wise to make sure that the past has been
properly dealt with and that sinful sexual behavior patterns have
truly been broken and left behind. Otherwise, those same character
weaknesses will reappear in the future and threaten your marital
sexual relationship.
3. Devotion to Christ. You should settle for
no less than a believer who is spiritually sensitive to the Lord and
desires to live for Christ (2 Cor. 6:14-18; Eph. 4:17--5:20; Phil.
3:7-16; 1 Jn. 2:15-17).
4. Right priorities. The one you choose to
commit your life to as husband or wife should not be committed to
money, pleasure, or popularity (Eccl. 2:1-11; 5:8-17; 6:1-12; Mt.
6:33; Rom. 12:2; 1 Tim. 6:10; Heb. 13:5).
5. Right beliefs. Don't marry a heretic! You
don't have to agree on every minor issue, but make sure that you
agree on the biblical basics of sound doctrine (1 Jn. 4:1-6).
6. Commitment to church. God did not intend
the Christian life to be a game of solitaire. He designed the church
to meet our needs and for us to serve others. You should agree on
this issue with your future mate (Eph. 4:1-16; Heb. 10:24-25).
7. Loving attitude. This is the most basic
characteristic that every believer should possess (Jn. 13:35; Gal.
5:22; 1 Jn. 3:11-20). Don't marry a grouch! I can't imagine why such
people would attract any prospects, but they do--by hiding their true
character and by luring with other qualities. The wisdom of Proverbs
warns us that being married to an irritable and contentious person
can be torture! (19:13; 21:9,19).
8. Self-control. Does the potential mate show
restraint when angered? Is he or she addicted to alcohol, drugs,
food, sex, work, sports, or impulse buying? (Prov. 23:20-21; 25:28;
Gal. 5:22-23; Eph. 5:15-18).
9. Honesty. This is a big one! The writer of
Proverbs said that "an honest answer is like a kiss on the
lips" (24:26 NIV). If a person truly loves you, he or she will
show that affection with honest words. Many, if not most,
relationships fail because of lack of honesty. And we all know who
the father of lies is! If Satan is in the middle of any relationship,
it is ultimately doomed to failure. Lack of honesty is sure evidence
that Satan is present and working.
10. Beauty below the skin. The Lord looks for
attractive inner qualities in a man and a woman; should we do any
less? (1 Sam. 16:7; Prov. 11:22; 31:13; 1 Pet. 3:2-5). Beauty is only
skin-deep, but character goes right to the bone. You should find your
mate to be physically attractive to you, but that's not as important
as inner attraction.
11. Responsibility. Don't marry a selfish,
lazy person who lacks the desire or the means to fulfill certain
responsibilities. Rebekah and her father could tell from Eliezer's
gifts and his description of Isaac that he would be able to take care
of her needs (Gen. 24:22,35,53). That sounds coldly practical,
doesn't it? But contrary to some opinion, you can't pay bills with
promises of love.
In 1 Timothy 5, the apostle Paul said,
"If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for
those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an
unbeliever" (v.8). Paul didn't mince words, did he? If you
shouldn't marry an unbeliever, you certainly should not marry a
person whose financial irresponsibility and laziness make him
"worse than an unbeliever." The "sluggard" who is
mentioned so often in Proverbs is a person to be avoided as a mate
(24:30-34).
12. Good relationship with parents. How a
person relates to his parents will tell you a lot about his
character. God places great value on showing respect and honor for
parents (Eph. 6:1-3).
How can expectations be too high or too low? Some
people may expect perfection while others don't expect enough. The
problem with any kind of list (like the one above) is that we can
make impossible demands on another person. Certainly the basic
spiritual and character qualities should be there, but we cannot
expect a person to be perfect. There's no such creature on this
planet! So be reasonable. Don't budge on the major issues, but allow
room for growth of character. The important matter is whether or not
the person you marry is devoted to Christ and is allowing God to work
in his or her life to become more like Jesus Christ.
And one other practical note: Don't choose
someone with the idea that you will be able to drastically alter his
or her character after the wedding ceremony. Be prepared to live with
that person even if he or she never changes! One of my best friends,
Joyce, once told me that to test this point, we should ask ourselves
"Would I like to wake up every morning for the rest of my life
and see her/him?" If your answer to this question contains the
word "if", you may be expecting to change that person to
fit your mold - don't do it!
Thinking It Over. What area of my life needs
some prayerful attention? Would I be a good "catch" for
someone looking for a marriage partner? If you are thinking about
marrying someone, do you know that person well enough to conclude
that he or she would help your relationship with Christ? If you are
thinking about marrying a certain person, are the fruits of the
Spirit evident in his or her life? (Ga 5:22)
Curtis
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