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SINGLENESS
The Misunderstood World of Single Adults
What is it like to be single in today's
complex and changing world? Singleness is often portrayed as a carefree
life of glamour and adventure. But is it really like that? What's it like
to be single in the 90s? Adult singles themselves are not always sure.
Statistics tell us that more than 40 percent of all
adults in the US and Canada are single. We suspect that the new
singleness deeply impacts the church. And we know that the world of
singleness is often misunderstood.
SINGLENESS TODAY
Singleness includes people
of all ages and stations in life. They may be 22 or 38 or 67. They are
engineers and chefs and typesetters and convenience store clerks and
executives and salespersons. They drive Escorts, pickup trucks, old
Chevys, and Lincolns. They wear Nikes and wingtips, Calvin Kleins and
Levis. They shop at Saks Fifth Avenue and K-Mart.
Some of these singles offer a multitude of gifts and
talents and experiences. Many of them are carrying deep hurt and going
through intense struggles. Few match the media stereotypes.
And chances are, they are misunderstood.
A MISUNDERSTOOD WORLD
Many factors contribute to
the misunderstanding of singleness today. Two that deserve special
attention are the media and the church.
1.
Media Misrepresentation.
The media, in conjunction with high-impact marketers, presents an
inaccurate caricature of singleness. Television and magazine ads often
portray singles as shallow, pleasure-seeking, impulsive, and
materialistic. They show them as flitting from one relationship to
another amid an endless round of parties, good times, and hedonistic
experiences. Even a casual observer can see the connection between that
kind of image and the high-ticket products these advertisers want single
adults to spend their money on.
While this profile does describe many single adults,
it is an exaggerated view. Being single does not automatically mean that
someone is extravagant, self-centered, or promiscuous. Being single today
(especially as a Christian) involves asking hard questions about life and
looking for answers that work. But singles are not finding them in the
mixed messages of the media. On one hand, they are encouraged to follow a
free-spending, drink-it-up, sexually unrestrained lifestyle. But on the
other, they are warned about the dire consequences of financial excess,
drunk driving, and AIDS. It reveals a misunderstanding--and some
manipulation.
2.
Church Insensitivities.
The church is equally at
fault when it is not sensitive to the struggles of today's single. It's
important to recognize that single adults are the same sensitive human
beings as anyone else, with similar joys, hurts, cares, and need for God
and His people. They come to the church for God, for fellowship, and for
a sense of family. And they expect to find more love and concern among
believers than they get in their workplace and society. But all too
often, single adults are overlooked or ignored by the church. They are
perceived to be a burden to the church.
These attitudes only add
to feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. And they hurt--even though
they may not be intentional.
One problem develops when
nominations are taken for the church board. Married men without children
are readily considered. But no one has ever really talked about whether
Paul's qualifications in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 rule out singles.
I have spoken with several
divorced women with children. All too often, I hear the same comment
about “feeling that they must have leprosy”. Sunday after Sunday they end
up sitting in church alone. Why do they feel shunned? Well, I have
“overheard" this whispered comment more than once: "I'm not
going to let her take my husband
away from me!"
The church has a great
opportunity to reach into the world of adult singles with the gospel of
grace, a message of hope, and warm family acceptance. But for the most
part it's not trying. In talking with singles from all over the world,
one common thread seems to permeate the church. That thread is that
singleness remains, in all too many churches, a misunderstood and
unconsidered world.
A PATH TO UNDERSTANDING
Many of today's television
shows portray the changing place of singles in society. Although they are
often exaggerated and obviously fictional, they do show flashes of the
real world of single adults today. Beneath the casual intensity, sexual
allusions, and persona of confidence are very real emotions and needs
that are part of singleness. Loneliness, hardness, discontentment,
insecurity, brittleness, desire, and fear are all covered by a mask of
self-sufficiency and composure.
One woman in her thirties,
who could have been speaking for many singles when she responded to some
questions about being unmarried, said, "I love my career. I adore my
apartment and my friends. I'm basically content. But deep inside I have a
desire to be part of something bigger than myself. Sometimes I feel so
wrapped up in my own world. I guess I'm saying that I'd like to be part
of a family."
Single adults need to be a
part of a family. And the church can help to provide for that need.
Unfortunately, there are certain unseen barriers that hinder effective
fellowship between single and married people in the church. These
barriers are primarily due to misunderstandings about today's single
life. I am going to attempt to clear up some of these misunderstandings
by:
·
Getting the Facts
·
Exploding the Myths
·
Searching the Scriptures
·
Facing the Issues
Getting the Facts
As the number of single
people continues to grow, it has an increasing impact on our society.
Retailers, advertisers, housing developers, legal entities, government
agencies, and the church are finding that they have to consider the
concerns of adult singles more than ever.
In Western society, more
than 40 percent of the adult population is single. Think of it--at the
minimum, 4 out of every 10 adult Americans, Canadians, and Europeans are
single!
These singles fall into
four categories:
·
Never married
·
Divorced
·
Separated
·
Widowed
Of these single adults,
more than 60 percent have never married. The percentage of divorced or
separated is 25 percent, and 15 percent are widowed. Some say the fastest
growing segment is those who decide to separate but do not divorce.
These adult singles are
impacting society as never before. They have enormous buying power, with
their total spending estimated at $400 billion per year. This greatly
influences the marketing techniques of those who sell automobiles,
clothing, beverages, and sports equipment.
The entertainment
industry, fitness centers, ski resorts, and other enterprises are
directing more and more of their ad dollars to singles. Some restaurants
and bars appeal to singles exclusively.
Today's single adults are
more self-analytical and introspective than those of the past. They are
taking the time to know themselves. They are looking at the multiple
options society offers them before making life commitments--vocational,
marital, or residential. One woman said, "We are the first 'wait and
see' generation of singles."
More single people are
choosing not to marry, more single women are purchasing homes and
adopting (or having their own) babies, and more professional singles are
turning to dating services to help them find companionship. They have
turned it into a multimillion dollar business.
Statistics indicate the
growing place adult singles have in today's world. The following figures
are taken from the 2000 US census:
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47.2% of all households are headed by
singles.
·
31% of all households with children are
headed by a single adult.
·
31.3% of all adult men and 25.1% of all adult
women have never married.
·
25.5% of all adults live alone.
·
20.4% of single adult women and 5.6% of
single adult men are widowed.
·
6% of married adults are not living with
their spouse.
Another factor is important
in understanding singleness today. In 1970 the median age for women
getting married was 20.8 years of age; in 2000 it was 25.1. For men in
1970 it was 23.2; in 2000 it was 26.8. An increasing number of men and
women are choosing to live together before marriage, and at a younger age
than those who marry. When those who chose to "play house" do
marry, they have a significantly higher incidence of divorce than those
who did not. This seems to indicate that the primary argument given for
cohabitation-- to avoid divorce--is not valid.
Another interesting fact
is that singleness is concentrated in urban areas. For example, 61
percent of the people who live in the city of Chicago are single. When
they marry, they move away from "where the action is" to the suburbs.
How about singleness among
Christians? In a survey taken by Carolyn Koons and Micheal J. Anthony (Single Adult Passages, Baker,
1991), 1,300 Christian single adults were asked about the advantages and
disadvantages of singleness. They indicated that the following advantages of singleness, in
order, were:
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Women
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Men
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1. Mobility and Freedom
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1. Mobility and Freedom
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2. Time for Interests
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2. Time for Interests
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3. Social Life in General
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3. Privacy
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4. Privacy
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4. Social Life in General
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The disadvantages
of being single were:
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Women
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Men
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1. Loneliness
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1. Loneliness
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2. Financial Insecurity
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2. Restrictions on Sex Life
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3. Self-centeredness
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3. Self-centeredness
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4. Restrictions on Sex Life
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4. The dating grind
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The point of listing
all these facts and statistics is to get a better context for
understanding the world of single adults in today's church--those adult
single men and women who identify themselves as followers of Jesus
Christ. They are more apt to be looking for moral and spiritual peace and
direction. Many of them are serious about knowing the Bible, walking in
the Spirit, and pleasing the Lord Jesus in their jobs, their leisure
time, and their social activities. They need the fellowship, interaction,
and encouragement that can come only from other members of the body of
Christ--both married and single.
Exploding The Myths
Singleness today is
misunderstood in part because of some myths about single adults that are
accepted as facts. A second step to clearing away the misunderstandings
about singleness is to identify and reject some of those wrong
assumptions. These myths are not just believed by married people about
singleness, but also by singles about married life. Let's look at several
of them.
MYTH
#1: Singles are more unfulfilled than married people.
Marriage is not the basis
for a fulfilled life. Fulfillment comes from a close relationship with
Christ. Many of today's singles know that marriage does not carry with it
a guarantee of happiness and fulfillment. One reason people give for
staying single or delaying marriage is that they saw their parents go
through a divorce and they know the pain it produces. They also hear
horror stories from their friends who married young, and they are waiting
until they feel they can make a mature choice for a lifelong mate.
In addition, an unmarried
person today has a wide range of choices for a fulfilled life apart from
marriage. Women especially have educational, vocational, and financial
opportunities that were not available a few decades ago. Women and men
are choosing to find fulfillment through employment or service to society
or other ways that bring them into relationships with people.
Married people need to be
aware that some of the single men and women sitting next to them in
church can choose to remain single and be just as fulfilled as those who
are married.
MYTH
#2: Marriage solves all the problems of singleness.
The reality is that
marriage brings with it many new problems. Even at best, two people who
marry can expect a period of marital adjustment. The first few years can
be filled with turbulence as they go through the period of communication
and compromise--no matter how well they thought they knew each other.
"Moonlight and roses" becomes "daylight and dishes,"
and the adjustment, as any married couple will attest to, continues for a
lifetime.
God never promised anyone
a life without pressure or difficulty. Everyone must learn to grow in
relationships. The thing to remember is that the better a person can
manage life as a single, the better chance that person will have of
establishing a successful marriage relationship.
MYTH#3:
Marriage is God's highest calling for men and women.
Some contented married
adults today may sincerely believe that a single person could not
possibly be living a fulfilled, satisfying life. This concept is fostered
by a couples-centered society. The Bible, however, does not teach that marriage is a
higher calling than singleness.
Consider Jesus' words to
His disciples in Matthew 19. In response to Jesus' teaching about
divorce, the disciples said, "If such is the case of the man with
his wife, it is better not to marry" (v.10). Jesus replied:
Not everyone can accept this word, but only
those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were
born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have
renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can
accept this should accept it (vv.11-12 NIV).
In other words, not
everyone can or should be single, but those who can, should. In 1
Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul added:
For I wish that all men were [single] even as I
myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and
another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good
for them if they remain even as I am . . . . I want you to be without
care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord--how he may
please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the
world--how he may please his wife (vv.7-8,32-33).
While it's true that the
majority of people get married, it's actually a higher calling to be
single "for the kingdom of heaven."
MYTH#4:
Singles struggle with loneliness more than married people.
There's no question about
it: Loneliness is a major element of singleness. The survey cited
indicated that loneliness is one of the major disadvantages of being
single. But it's not accurate to assume that all adult singles struggle
with loneliness more than married people do. A recent study identified
young wives, college students, the elderly, and prisoners as being among
the most lonely people in society.
In reality, singleness
gives ample opportunity to be with people and create strong friendships.
One of my friends said, "Find a good friend. That's the best thing
if you're single." She's right. Adult singles can form strong
networks of friends of all ages that can help them face times of
loneliness.
A 35-year-old single male
friend told me that it became increasingly difficult for him to develop
strong male friendships as he grew older. That's because eventually his
friends would find a woman they liked, date, then marry. His friends
always promised that they would maintain the friendship after the
wedding, but it seldom happened. The loss of a good friend can be like
losing someone in death. This man got tired of the mourning.
Sometimes, single adults
(especially those who have been previously married) are seen as threats
by those who are married. For example, a divorced woman may be treated
coldly by some of the married women in the church because they view her
as a threat to their marriage. These women simply do not realize that
singleness can include strong friendships, and that taking someone else's
spouse is probably the farthest thing from the single person's mind.
It is possible, and even
healthy, for couples to befriend singles. Strong guidelines of propriety
and communication must be followed, of course, and the result can make
life richer for everyone.
MYTH
#5: Singles have more time and money than married people.
Some adult singles do have
more discretionary time and income than their married counterparts. But
most singles are kept extremely busy by family, friends, and church
commitments (both financial and time). And some singles who choose to
purchase their own homes will probably have less discretionary income
than married people with two incomes.
Not to mention that when
the single person is divorced or widowed and there are children involved,
expenses can be overwhelming. Many single mothers do not have job
training or experience, and they face the additional burden of child-care
costs.
In terms of spare time, a
single mom has almost no time for herself. Widows may find every minute
filled with responsibilities they are not used to. And the never-marrieds
can fill their lives with family, friendships, and meaningful activity.
In other words, busy people are going to be busy regardless of their
marital status.
MYTH#6:
Singles are more self-centered than married people.
This myth is based on the
belief that single people do not marry because they want to spend their
income on themselves and be free to do whatever they want whenever they
want. While that is true of some singles, the fact is that all adults can
choose to live selfishly, married or single, and all too many do.
The advertisers don't
help. Those singles who buy into a carefree, high-flying, materialistic
and hedonistic lifestyle, committing themselves to expensive cars and
pampering themselves, are headed for disappointment.
Many adult singles are
selfless, giving people, inside and outside the Christian community. Much
volunteer work is done in hospitals and other agencies by widows,
widowers and other adult singles. Where would the cause of missions be
without the adult single? How many singles are in your church band? Your
choir? The staff of your Sunday school and children's programs? These
volunteers are certainly not selfish. They're wonderful examples of those
who faithfully serve their church and community.
MYTH
#7: Singles are more sexually frustrated than married people.
When Koons and Anthony
surveyed Christian adult singles, they discovered the following issues to
be ranked above sexual frustration: (1) proper entertainment, (2)
managing money, (3) making good friends, and (4) raising children.
True, some singles are
promiscuous, but so are some marrieds. Married adults are subject to
sexual frustration too. But both married and single people have to learn
how to control this part of their lives.
Singleness means susceptibility
to certain temptations, especially the way society sends sexually charged
signals today. Married people are receiving those same signals. One of
the important challenges for the church is to help its entire adult
congregation deal with the sexual pressure of today's world.
Myth
#8: Singles can't lead as effectively as married people.
This myth probably arises
out of an interpretation of the qualifications for church leadership in 1
Timothy 3. Paul stated that church elders and deacons must be husbands of
one wife (vv.2,12) and it's assumed that they have children (vv.4,12).
This probably is a restriction against unfaithful husbands and
irresponsible fathers. Additionally, one could interpret “one wife” to be
referencing monogamous husbands since it wasn’t uncommon to have several
wives during that time. But even if it is thought to disqualify single
men from these two offices, that doesn't mean singles can't lead
effectively in other areas. What about Jesus? And what about the
leadership ability of one of the greatest leaders of the Christian
church, the apostle Paul?
Married people are often
placed in positions of leadership over adult singles. But singleness does
not automatically mean immaturity and irresponsibility--just as marriage
doesn't mean maturity. Adult singles can lead, and they do it very well.
These eight myths
contribute to a misunderstanding of singleness in today's society. They
need to be replaced by the truth of God's Word.
Searching The Scriptures
A third way to understand singleness
is to search the Scriptures. The Bible gives some direct teaching to the
issue of adult singles (1 Cor. 7 for example). But most of what it tells
us about the subject is spoken through the example of godly single adults, who include no less than the
apostle Paul and Jesus Christ Himself.
The
Old Testament.
Adam was the first adult
single. God placed him in a lovely garden, provided him with meaningful
activity, and gave him the privilege of divine companionship. But
something was missing--human relationship. "It is not good that
man should be alone," God said (Gen. 2:18). Man needed
relationship and interaction with his own kind, so God created for him
Eve, who was a perfect match.
Genesis 2:18 has been
misapplied by some to teach that it's God's will for everyone to have a
mate. The verse has been used against singleness as a lifestyle and to
pressure men and women to marry. "After all," they say,
"the Bible says it's not good for man or woman to be alone."
They imply that a man or woman who chooses not to marry is out of the
will of God and headed for trouble.
But before Eve was
created, Adam was alone in a way that no other single human being is
alone today (Gen. 3:8). God gave him Eve, not only for companionship but
also for procreation. Before they sinned, they were given the command to
fill the earth (Gen. 1:28). Marriage was ordained by God and essential
for the race and for Adam.
Does that mean marriage is
mandatory for every human being? Does that mean marriage is God's will
for everyone? I say no. To imply that, or to say that singles are
incomplete, is to misunderstand the verse and to create guilt and anxiety
in those who choose singleness. It also ignores the teachings of Paul and
Jesus.
The passage does, however,
underscore our need for relationship. It was not good for Adam to be
alone. God Himself made that observation. He created us to be with and
enjoy other human beings--and He gave Eve, a suitable companion, to Adam
to make that possible.
The story of Noah has been
similarly misapplied. People have pointed out that because only pairs of
animals were taken into the ark, and because only couples were saved from
the flood, God honors marriage above singleness.
This passage should not be
taken as a mandate that all should marry. God was rewarding Noah's
uprightness by saving him and his family. His sons happened to be
married. Couples were essential for the earth to be repopulated (Gen.
8:17). So God spared their wives and them. But again, because that was
the case with Noah and his family, it does not mean it applies to
everyone.
The Old Testament gives us
some examples of godly adult singles that speak volumes to singleness
today and in every age. Consider Joseph, whose conduct in Egypt as an
adult single was exemplary (Gen. 37-41:44).
Look at Elijah, a bold and
dedicated prophet of God who stared down the likes of Ahab and his
prophets.
Look at Daniel, who was
highly respected as a man of God. He was a governmental leader for many
years during the exile in Babylon. Numerous prophecies were revealed
through him.
Look at Hagar, a single
mother. She and her child were taken care of by the Lord.
Look at Naomi, a
resourceful widow who followed the Lord and cared for her
daughter-in-law.
Look at Ruth, who showed
faith, courage, and loyalty as an adult single.
The Old Testament gives
stirring examples of how the Lord strategically used adult singles to do
His work. He showed no partiality to married people, and there is no hint
that He considered adult singles to be of any less value in His eyes.
The
New Testament.
The New Testament gives
additional insight into God's mind regarding singleness. Consider the
teachings of Christ and Paul.
In His important discourse
about divorce, the Lord Jesus said that singleness is a gift from God
(Matt. 19:11-12). A person who marries is to leave his or her parents and
remain married (vv.5-6), but the person who remains single does not carry
the pressures and responsibilities of marriage.
An adult single looking
for a model needs look no further than to Jesus, who obeyed the Father in
everything He did (John 15:10). Even though He was God, in His humanity
He was our example (1 Cor. 11:1). His selflessness, His compassion, His
purity, and His contentment with doing the will of God in everything are
especially relevant to singleness today.
In his first letter to the
believers at Corinth (see chapter 7), Paul clarified and expanded on what
the Lord Jesus said. What Paul taught about singleness may be summarized
as follows:
·
Singleness can be a gift from God (v.7).
·
A married person is concerned about serving
God and pleasing a spouse (vv.26-35).
·
Celibacy brings the freedom to serve God
unencumbered (vv.32-35).
·
Unmarried persons can develop a deep
relationship with God because they have fewer distractions (v.35).
Some New Testament singles
we can study and admire are the sisters who were good friends of
Jesus--Mary and Martha--along with their brother Lazarus. The sisters
were as different as night and day, yet both served Christ faithfully and
were His good and loyal friends.
Mary Magdalene was an
adult single with a past, and her devotion to Jesus was unquestioned.
Paul gave his life in
complete dedication to the gospel. He suffered unbelievable hardship as
he went into Europe with the story of Christ. Could he have done it as a
married person? Probably not. As a single he was free to do the great
pioneer work of taking the gospel to the Gentile world.
The biblical teaching
about singleness can be summarized by the following statements:
1. We need one another. We
need companionship and relationships--whether single or married.
2. God accepts and
respects singleness. Nothing in the Bible indicates that a person who
chooses not to marry has any less worth than a person who marries.
3. Singleness has
advantages for the person who wants to give his or her life to God's
service.
4. God gives wonderful
gifts. One of them is the ability and choice to be single for many years
or for a lifetime.
5. God is all-sufficient.
His sufficiency sustains the adult single. It's okay to want to be
married, but it's far more important, single or married, to lean on the
sufficiency of Christ and walk in obedience to Him.
Facing
The Issues
Now that we have looked at
the facts and some myths about singleness in today's society, and we have
examined the Scriptures, we are ready to identify and speak to the
primary concerns adult singles are facing today. What are the struggles?
The pressures? The needs? And what can be done to produce understanding
and acceptance? If you are single, here are two principles to follow in
facing the issues of your singleness.
Principle
1: Accept Your Singleness.
It's not a sin to be
single. A man or woman is free to choose singleness and should find full
acceptance by the community and the church. An increasing number of
adults are choosing to remain single. Others have been left single by an
unwanted divorce or the untimely death of a spouse. Singles must work in
cooperation with married people to remove any barriers of prejudice or
fear that might hinder acceptance.
Look around you. Think
about the place where you work, your neighborhood, your church. How many
adult singles can you identify? One pastor I talked to was amazed to
discover that 28 percent of his children's workers and 33 percent of his
adult choir were singles.
You may be dealing with
deep and painful issues. If you have never married, you may have
experienced a number of disappointments and you may have a dismal
self-image. If widowed, you may still feel deep sadness, and you may need
help to work through your grief. If you are divorced, your dreams have
been shattered and you may have been rejected. Perhaps your trust and
love have been betrayed. You may be facing crushing financial burdens,
especially if you have the children, and you may have housing needs. You
are probably working through difficult emotional issues. If you are a
single parent--managing a household while working and rearing children
alone--you probably feel unbelievable tension and anxiety. If you are
separated, it may be because you could no longer take the physical and
emotional abuse you or the children were subjected to again and again.
You know all too well that
you're not perfect. You've made mistakes and you fear that you may make
them again. You need the solace and grace and help that only God can
give. He gives it, but in large measure it comes through His people. You
need people of God who are willing to accept you where you are. You need
to be free to grow from that point. Sure, you'll have to make yourself
vulnerable. Sure, you'll have to let some people enter into your pain. It
will take patience and love and understanding and, most of all, being
accepted for who you are right now.
You need to find a church
where people make an effort to open their arms and hearts and accept you
as you are--without prejudgment or suspicion. Help them form small groups
for grief recovery or single parents or divorce recovery. Encourage them
to offer social activities that welcome singles into fellowship with
married couples, and to give them opportunities to serve the Lord with
their God-given gifts.
It would be wonderful if
you could see your church as a sanctuary--a place of safety and healing
and service to God. Singles need to be welcomed in, not legislated out by
suspicious attitudes or legalistic, nonbiblical limitations.
You may have trouble
accepting yourself as a single. You may let attitudes around you
undermine your confidence and sense of self-worth.
Stop! Don't let yourself
feel inferior or incomplete! As we have seen, it's okay to choose not to
marry or remarry. Yours is not an "alternate lifestyle." So
you're widowed or divorced, or you've been forced to separate. God is
willing to accept you where you are and go from there. You should be willing
to do the same. No apologies!
Principle
2: Face Up to Your Needs.
Singleness carries with it
certain needs. You have to face those needs and not dodge them. We will
look at six of them: a sense of purpose, loneliness, sexuality,
contentment, service, and ministry.
1. A sense of purpose. As
an adult single, you may be struggling with seeing God's purpose for
singleness. You may have put your life on hold until Mr. Right or Miss
Wonderful comes along. You say to yourself, "When I get married I'll
become serious about God," or, "After I'm married I'll look for
a steady job and get out of debt." "After marriage I'll
purchase a home." So you are wandering aimlessly, waiting for
something to happen.
You must see the
importance of formulating a strong life-plan right now. Set realistic and
specific personal goals. Some of those goals should be spiritual. It's
wise and necessary to forge ahead with life--to get established in the
church and community, to move ahead with a career, to purchase a home.
The Bible makes it clear that we are all to be watchful (1 Tim. 4:16), to
make good use of our time (Eph. 5:16), to use our gifts for the glory of
God (1 Cor. 10:31). Seek opportunities for growth and service to Christ.
Form and follow a clear and satisfying life-plan.
2. Loneliness. Billy
Graham once said that loneliness is the greatest problem facing humanity
today. Two recent national surveys identified loneliness as the number
one issue in singleness. It ranked ahead of managing time, for example,
and sexual issues. Closely linked is the need for companionship and
intimacy. You may be lonely because you're in school or have long hours
of employment or shyness or the untimely loss of a mate. Face your
loneliness and do something about it. Don't deny those feelings;
acknowledge them, and take action.
You might begin by finding
a church that has established a healthy atmosphere where friendships can
develop. Look for opportunities to fellowship in smaller groups. Find a
church that sees the importance of mutual trust and respect, privacy,
toleration of differences, and realistic expectations of one another.
You'll fit right in!
Help your church become a
safe place where single adults can risk making friends. At the same time,
do not forget the advantages of solitude. Jesus went often to be alone.
How many mothers would give anything for "a moment's peace"?
Singleness gives you an opportunity for solitude.
You might also make
friends with couples who have a healthy marriage. You need to learn about
the struggles they face. At the same time, married people need exposure
to you and your needs. If you can find a church where singles and
marrieds can walk beside one another, bearing one another's burdens and
doing good to one another, your loneliness will be significantly eased.
But remember, the greatest
deterrent to loneliness is an intimate relationship with Christ. No
amount of involvement with people will ever take the place of fellowship
with God. When loneliness assails you, acknowledge your feelings to the
Lord and draw close to Him. The apostle James said, "Draw near to
God and He will draw near to you" (4:8).
3. Sexuality. As
an adult single, you need solid biblical teaching about sexuality that
takes your situation into account. Look for a church that does not accept
the myth that all singles are living sexually frustrated lives, or that
there "must be something wrong with them." Rather, a wise
church will reinforce healthy sexual attitudes for its entire
congregation by: Standing up to the liberalization of sexual attitudes in
today's society. Showing what is wrong with the media's view of sex and
obsession with it. Differentiating between intimacy and sex.
Realistically warning of the heartbreaking results of cohabitation.
Teaching the biblical truth about human sexuality.
This last recommendation
is of primary importance. But how can it be accomplished? Some of it can
be done from the pulpit and in the Sunday school classroom. Seminar
speakers, Christian videos, and discussions in appropriate small group
settings can also be effective.
The church can help in
another, more painful way. When it learns that one of its singles has
embarked on an unwise sexual relationship, it must have the love and
courage to confront that person, lead him or her to repentance, then
forgive and restore. Sure, it's difficult. The church might lose that
person. But single people, as well as the entire congregation, will know
it's a church that really cares and means business spiritually.
4. Contentment. Contentment
is a key issue of singleness. You may long for a mate. You yearn for
children. You want affection and acceptance and love--just someone to
hold you. You want a nice home in the suburbs, not a shared apartment.
Contentment is not a
singles' issue exclusively. Everyone wrestles with dissatisfaction and
envy. The Bible teaches that contentment begins and ends with God (1 Tim.
6:6).
Living by two key
principles will help you deal with the issue of contentment. First, contentment is not an end in itself.
No one can begin to let himself believe that he will be content if he
purchases a certain sports car, achieves a certain rank, marries a
certain woman, or earns a Ph.D. Those things simply do not guarantee
contentment. Besides, before they are even achieved, the person has gone
on to set new goals for contentment.
The second principle is
that contentment is found in
enjoying God. Paul had the secret (Phil. 4:11-12). He said, in
essence, that he could be content in prison or out, in rich garments or
rags, surrounded by friends or alone. Why? Because for Paul, contentment
was found in obeying and enjoying Christ.
It does us little good to
live in the "if only's" of life. How much better to find our
contentment in God rather than in something we decide will make us happy!
You must have the courage to ask yourself, "Have I ever thought that
I should accept my circumstances as coming from a loving, caring, good
God?"
You also need to train
yourself to think more about the things you have than what you do not
have. Remind yourself that "godliness with contentment is great
gain" (1 Tim. 6:6).
5. Service. Look
for opportunities to serve. Avoid the tendency to seek respect and
recognition as an unmarried person. Look instead for ways to help others
see Christ at work in a godly single adult. Be an example and an advocate
for others who tend to be overlooked in the church planning process.
6. Train for discipleship
and ministry. Singleness is not a good reason for
inactivity or uninvolvement. As a child of God, you can be actively
involved in the ministry of your church and community. Get some
leadership training. Connect with areas where you can serve--children's
work, music, drama, teaching, the elder or deacon board. You may even
feel called to accept the chairmanship of a key committee or board. The
Bible places no limits on what you can do in your church or the
community.
A CHALLENGE TO SINGLES
If you're single, perhaps
you're saying, "I wish my church would start a ministry for adult
singles." Or you may be thinking, "All this sounds good, but it
will never happen in my church."
Why not? Do you really
know it won't happen? You may be the one God uses to increase the
sensitivity in your local congregation to its singles. He may want you to
take the lead in creating single awareness. More and more churches are
ministering directly to singles. An increasing number are creating a
staff position for a pastor to singles. Some excellent publications,
available through most Christian bookstores, tell what is being done in
some churches and give good advice for getting started with a ministry to
singles.
Even if your church is not
large, you can do some things to bring more single people into your
church and encourage an understanding ministry.
In a proper attitude and
spirit, and after prayer and knowing you are led by the Spirit of God,
begin by talking with the pastor or Christian education director. You
might even go to the church board. Perhaps two or three of you could
present your burden and ideas.
Indicate your need. Tell of
your love for Christ and your desire to grow and reach others. Without
criticizing or judging, offer some suggestions for getting started.
Volunteer to serve on committees. Offer assistance in any way you can.
That kind of action has led to a better singles' ministry in many
churches, and it can in yours as well.
JESUS: FRIEND OF SINGLES
What kind of person are
you? Athlete? Musician? Outdoorsman? Administrator and organizer?
Computer whiz? Mystery reader? Automobile mechanic? Painter? Decorator?
Volunteer? Flower arranger?
And what about inside? Is
your heart empty? Do you sometimes look at others and long for what they
have? Is there an ache, a longing? Is your life definitely "on
hold"?
Jesus Christ is the friend
of singles. A single Himself, He walked through life with a sense of
purpose and mission. It took Him to the cross, where He died for you. Sin
is a universal problem. "All have sinned" (Rom. 3:23). Jesus
died to pay the penalty for your sin. Start by inviting Him into your life.
Receive Him as your Savior.
But Jesus does more as the
friend of singles than just save them. Perhaps you have trusted Him, but
you still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, envy, frustration, and
loneliness. A wonderful verse says, "Our sufficiency is from
God" (2 Cor. 3:5). We have the assurance that Christ will give us
all the grace we need to serve Him and live happily (see 2 Cor.
9:8;12:9).
Make friends with the
friend of singles. Trust Jesus. Put your hand in His hand. Draw His
sufficiency into your heart and life. Give yourself to Him. You will
discover that He is a friend who will never desert or betray you--a
friend who will satisfy your heart's deepest need.
Curtis
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