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Bad self-esteem is a curse. More and more people are
realizing that if you feel as if you have nothing to offer, you’ll act as
if you have nothing to offer. If you think poorly of yourself, you will
tend to act poorly. If you have a low image of yourself, you will be
inclined to back away from relationships and challenges. If you are sure
you’re going to fail, then chances are you will. Low self-esteem is like
self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you don’t have what it takes to win
at life, you are apt to confirm your own prediction.
By contrast, good self-esteem is a blessing. Those
who believe they have something to offer are more likely to make a
positive difference in other people’s lives. People who have a healthy
sense of self-respect are more likely to pursue relationships and
challenges. Those who think well of themselves are more likely to fulfill
their own expectations.
There is, however, a downside to self-esteem. Even
as we acknowledge that healthy self-respect is an advantage, we need to
acknowledge that there are dangers to the kind of positive thinking that
is often encouraged in education, media, and even in religious circles.
In an effort to help others shed feelings of self-contempt and
self-rejection, many have promoted false hope.
Healthy self-esteem needs to be realistic. It’s not
a self-confidence that says:
“I can be anything I want to be.”
“I deserve more.”
“I don’t need anyone else’s help.”
“I don’t have any regrets.”
“I don’t have any fears.”
Instead, the right kind of self-respect rests on a
fair assessment of our real strengths and weaknesses. A healthy
self-esteem expresses itself with a confidence that says:
“My life has a purpose.”
“I belong here.”
“I can love and be loved.”
“I need others as they need me.”
“I will seek forgiveness for my wrongs.”
“I can be anything God enables me to be.”
Thinking more of ourselves than we ought to think is
just as self-defeating as a low self-image. Self-conceit can cause us to
make unfair demands of others. It can lead us to believe we are entitled
to what we don’t have. It can prompt us to ignore our need of God and
others.
There is an interesting comment about self-esteem in
the ancient apocryphal book of Sirach. In the New American Bible we find
these words:
My son, with humility have self-esteem; prize
yourself as you deserve. Who will acquit him who condemns himself? Who
will honor him who discredits himself? (Sirach 10:27-28).
For some people, this statement will resonate with
practical wisdom. Many have found that if they don’t believe in
themselves, other people are not likely to believe in them either. The
book of Sirach, however, while included in some versions of the Bible, is
not recognized by the whole church as inspired and authoritative.
We therefore need to do with this quote what we do
with other thoughts and ideas. We need to see whether the rest of the
Bible supports the idea that it is good to have self-esteem with
humility.
As we might expect, teachings about humility are not
hard to find in Scripture. At first look, the Bible seems to be more
concerned about those who have an excessively high opinion of themselves
than with those who struggle with a low self-image. For instance, in his
letter to the Romans the apostle Paul wrote:
For I say, through the grace given to me, to
everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he
ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a
measure of faith (12:3).
But what did Paul mean when he said we are “to think
soberly [about ourselves] as God has dealt to each one a measure of
faith”? To answer that question, it’s important to see the meaning of
those words in their original context. When we read on we find, first of
all, that Paul wanted his readers to think of themselves as people who
were mutually reliant on one another’s strengths (12:4-8).
Second, when Paul used the word soberly he was
discouraging his readers from believing that they could do anything they
wanted to do, or that they could be anything they wanted to be. Instead,
Paul encouraged them to have a sobriety about themselves that was rooted
in realism and self-control.
Third, even though Paul advocated self-control, he
asked his readers to think of themselves as people who understood their
dependence on one another and God.
In another letter, Paul showed by his own example
that, in matters beyond his understanding, he put his confidence in God.
With the conviction that God alone understands the purpose and character
of our lives, Paul wrote:
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with
some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves
and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. . . . For it
is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the
Lord commends (2 Cor. 10:12,18 NIV).
When these words are read in context, they draw a
picture of an apostle who wrote with both humility and the dignity of
self-respect. While being committed to be gentle and helpful toward
others (10:1), he also saw himself as being able to do whatever God
wanted him to do (10:2-6). Paul’s confidence was in God, not in himself
or in the opinion of others.
Loving Ourselves
Ironically, the Bible assumes that we already love
ourselves. Jesus seemed to acknowledge this when He said, “You shall love
your neighbor as yourself” (Mt. 22:39).
The apostle Paul, while giving marital counsel to
couples, made a more direct statement about our natural inclination to
love ourselves:
Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own
bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the
church (Eph. 5:28-29).
Our own experience will probably bear this out. We
habitually look after our own bodies by feeding, clothing, and protecting
them. We naturally look after our own rights and are inclined to become
frustrated or angry if others try to take advantage of us. We care for
ourselves so much that when we don’t measure up to either our own
expectations or those of others, we can become very unhappy with others
and even angry with ourselves.
What we sometimes miss, however, is that the only
reason we are dissatisfied with our appearance or discouraged by our
failures is that we naturally care about ourselves. If we didn’t, we
wouldn’t care what we looked like. We wouldn’t care what others thought
of us. We wouldn’t care whether we were hurting inside. We wouldn’t spend
time with the image we see in the mirror. If we didn’t love ourselves, we
wouldn’t even entertain thoughts of whether we’d be better off dead.
But now comes the real mind-stretcher. According to
the Bible, if you really love yourself, you will also hate yourself.
Hating Ourselves
What does the Bible say about hating ourselves? One
thing is clear. God doesn’t tell us to hate our big ears, crooked nose,
or short legs. He doesn’t ask us to focus our contempt on complexion,
unmanageable hair, or even a troubling case of bad memory or clumsiness.
What He wants us to despise is something far more serious and dangerous
to our health—the stubborn self-centeredness of our fallen human nature.
Paul recognized this internal tendency when he wrote:
I find this law at work: When I want to do good,
evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s
law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war
against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at
work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from
this body of death? (Rom. 7:21-24 NIV).
Paul’s frustration with himself might seem like a
poor choice for a discussion on self-esteem. But his willingness to
despise that part of him that is spiritually unprofitable has parallels
in everyday life. By learning to see the weakness and failures of his own
human nature, Paul is like the builder who has to tear down a condemned
building before he can put up a new house on the same plot of land. He is
like the coach who finds it necessary to tear down his players’
self-confidence before they are willing to play his kind of ball.
In a similar way, the Lord finds it necessary to
show us that we really don’t have a reason to feel good about ourselves
as long as we are determined to live for ourselves and rely on ourselves.
We need to hate this tendency so much that we, like Paul, will cry out to
God for deliverance from it. In the process, we find ourselves ready for
another necessary but disconcerting step.
Dying To Ourselves
Before we can begin to make significant progress in
our spiritual growth and achieve a mature and satisfying self-esteem, the
Bible tells us we also have to learn to die to ourselves. Again, it
sounds all wrong—to gain self-esteem by dying to ourselves! But it’s
true. Jesus said:
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father
and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own
life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross
and come after Me cannot be My disciple (Lk. 14:26-27).
We need to be willing to put Jesus ahead of every
other relationship (see Jn. 12:25). For our own happiness, we need to
give up on all other trusts and sources of life. Just as a seed must die
to produce a plant, so we need to bury our confidence in all other hopes
before we can discover the ultimate blessedness of finding our life and
dignity and self-acceptance through a complete reliance on God.
All of this may sound unnecessarily severe and
self-defeating. But if we could see ourselves and our future from the
window of eternity, we would see that any confidence or hope that
competes with God for control of our lives is a threat to our well-being.
We were made to serve our Creator. We were created to feel good—to feel
great—about the privilege of being His servants. In addition, we were
designed to feel empty and unfulfilled if we try to serve anyone or
anything other than God Himself (see Eccl. 12:9-14).
It has been said that the best way to get rid of an
enemy is to make him your friend. This is true of the things that seem to
threaten your self-image. They can be the means by which you discover
your real purpose, power, and potential.
How do you make these “enemies” your friends? Let
them do for you what self-confidence, self-sufficiency, and
self-satisfaction could never do. Let your weakness push you to
dependence on God. He alone can give you every good and every lasting
reason to feel good about yourself.
Don’t be afraid. Or if you are, let your fear bring
you to the One who loves you. The results of acknowledging that you have
been on the wrong path will far outweigh any temporary pain of
confession. You will soon find great relief as a result of admitting to
God that you have sinned against Him by banking on the world’s values.
Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of
God.”
Then, confess Jesus Christ as your Designer, your
Lord, and your Savior. Trust Him to save you on the basis of the payment
for sin He made on the cross. Accept the fact that when He died, He died
for you. When He rose from the dead, He rose to make His life available
to all who would believe.
This is the first step to a new beginning. It is
God’s answer for a new birth, a new identity, and a new potential. It’s
found in the One who loves us more than we could ever love or care for
ourselves.
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