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Grief
is a universal, complex, and painful process of dealing with and
adjusting to loss. Even animals have been known to grieve the loss of a
mate or master. It is a normal and unavoidable part of life. In God's
invitation to live and enjoy relationships with others, we are also
invited to grieve their loss.
It
is important for us to realize that grief is not reserved for those who
lose a loved one in death. We grieve the loss of such unsettling things
as a divorce, the failure to get a desired job promotion, turning 30 (or
40), an empty nest, or getting winded climbing the stairs and realizing
we're not as young as we used to be.
We
especially grieve the loss of cherished relationships. The more we have
invested in the relationship, whether it is with a person, organization,
ideology, or even a pet, the greater our distress and pain will be after the
separation. The depth of our grief is directly linked to the quality of
the relationship with the individual or desired object we have lost.
All
losses have a way of pushing us to take personal inventory of what we are
really hanging on to for a sense of personal security. Is it God? Or is
it our ability to control the circumstances of our lives to make
ourselves comfortable? Losses force us to look inside and see ways we
handle our pain. It hurts to look inside and try to understand why we
must grieve in the first place.
We
must all learn for ourselves that grieving is a confusing and
disorienting process that takes time. It is not something we get over,
but rather it is something we get through. Noted author C. S. Lewis wrote
about his experience with the process of grief after the death of his
wife to cancer: "For in grief, nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on
emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything
repeats" (A Grief Observed, p.67).
The
Bible tells us that there is a pathway through difficult times in our
lives that leads to higher ground. The experience may indeed be life
threatening, or at least it feels that way. It is the perilous path of
the valley of the shadow of death that David spoke of in Psalm 23:4:
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I
will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they
comfort me." David was talking about the times when God walks with
us through our dark valley experiences. Grief is one of those formidable
valley experiences.
In
the valley of grief, where the way is treacherous and we are so unsure of
ourselves, we learn to trust God. After all, what better option is there?
Trust enables us to maintain perspective by walking "by faith, not
by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7) as we go through the valley. Otherwise we
will lose our way and get hopelessly lost in despair.
We
need a trusted guide to lead us when we've lost sight of where we're
headed. Only one Guide is reliable enough to lead us. That Guide is Jesus
Christ. He really is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John
14:6).
In
the valley of grief, the only way to keep moving in the right direction
is to trust the compass and map that God has given us to follow. At times
it may seem that the Bible is too antiquated to be of much value. But the
compass of God's indwelling Spirit and the map of the Bible always point
us in the right direction. If we will follow them and keep moving
persistently and patiently, we will get through the valley.
For
most people, the process of mourning means going through a series of
stages. If we are to work through our grief, we must be willing to walk
through the stages that usually mark the pathway. But, we must be careful
not to think of the stages as particular behaviors that occur for a
period of time and then disappear as if resolved. Nor is one stage more
valuable than another. The process of grief is far from orderly. There
will be much overlap in the stages of grief. Don't be alarmed. Expect it.
Some
form of the following stages of grief are to be expected:
Shock
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Submission
Reinvestment
Not
everyone progresses through these stages of grief in the same order or at
the same speed. But we all move through stages of dealing with our loss,
and as we do we follow a well-traveled path. Many have preceded us and
many will follow.
To
undertake this trek, we must rely on God's ability to help us. We don't
have to make this journey alone. He is with us, and He wants to give us
the help we need to face the pain and loneliness that lie ahead.
All
grief is unique because each life is unique. It usually takes 1 to 2
years for a person to work through a significant loss of a child or
spouse. The same is true for a divorce. The loss of one's home, job, or
health, or even menopause or a midlife crisis--all of these require quite
a bit of time. So we must not be surprised at a slower recovery from loss
than we might have anticipated.
Don't rush
the process. God is committed to completing His good work in you in His
time: "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a
good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"
(Phil. 1:6). Be patient with the process in yourself and in others. Deep
wounds of the soul often require more time to heal than wounds to the
body. But healing will come. We don't control the process, and that
leaves us feeling very dependent. But that dependence should be on a good
God whose love will never let us go.
Curtis
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