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Today, I want to identify and speak to
some of the the primary concerns adult singles
are facing today. What are the struggles? The pressures? The needs? And
what can be done to produce understanding and acceptance? If you are
single, here are two principles to follow in facing the issues of your
singleness.
Principle 1: Accept Your Singleness.
It's not a sin to be single. A man or
woman is free to choose singleness and should find full acceptance by the
community and the church. An increasing number of adults are choosing to
remain single. Others have been left single by an unwanted divorce or the
untimely death of a spouse. Singles must work in cooperation with married
people to remove any barriers of prejudice or fear that might hinder
acceptance.
Look around you. Think about the place
where you work, your neighborhood, your church. How many adult singles
can you identify? One pastor was amazed to discover that 28 percent of
his children's workers and 33 percent of his adult choir were singles.
You may be dealing with deep and painful
issues. If you have never married, you may have experienced a number of
disappointments and you may have a dismal self-image. If widowed, you may
still feel deep sadness, and you may need help
to work through your grief. If you are divorced, your dreams have been
shattered and you may have been rejected. Perhaps your trust and love
have been betrayed. You may be facing crushing financial burdens,
especially if you have the children, and you may have housing needs. You
are probably working through difficult emotional issues. If you are a
single parent--managing a household while working and rearing children
alone--you probably feel unbelievable tension and anxiety. If you are
separated, it may be because you could no longer take the physical and
emotional abuse you or the children were subjected to again and again.
You know all too well that you're not
perfect. You've made mistakes and you fear that you may make them again.
You need the solace and grace and help that only God can give. He gives
it, but in large measure it comes through His people. You need people of
God who are willing to accept you where you are. You need to be free to
grow from that point. Sure, you'll have to make yourself vulnerable.
Sure, you'll have to let some people enter into your pain. It will take
patience and love and understanding and, most of all, being accepted for
who you are right now.
You need to find a church where people
make an effort to open their arms and hearts and accept you as you
are--without prejudgment or suspicion. Help them form small groups for
grief recovery or single parents or divorce recovery. Encourage them to
offer social activities that welcome singles into fellowship with married
couples, and to give them opportunities to serve the Lord with their
God-given gifts.
It would be wonderful if you could see
your church as a sanctuary--a place of safety and healing and service to
God. Singles need to be welcomed in, not legislated out by suspicious
attitudes or legalistic, nonbiblical
limitations.
You may have trouble accepting yourself
as a single. You may let attitudes around you undermine your confidence
and sense of self-worth.
Stop! Don't let yourself feel inferior
or incomplete! It's okay to choose not to marry or remarry. Yours is not
an "alternate lifestyle." So you're widowed or divorced, or
you've been forced to separate. God is willing to accept you where you
are and go from there. You should be willing to do the same. No
apologies!
Principle 2: Face Up to Your Needs.
Singleness carries with it certain needs.
You have to face those needs and not dodge them. We will look at six of
them: a sense of purpose, loneliness, sexuality, contentment, service,
and ministry.
1. A sense of purpose. As an adult single, you may be
struggling with seeing God's purpose for singleness. You may have put
your life on hold until Mr. Right or Miss Wonderful comes along. You say
to yourself, "When I get married I'll become serious about
God," or, "After I'm married I'll look for a steady job and get
out of debt." "After marriage I'll purchase a home." So
you are wandering aimlessly, waiting for something to happen.
You must see the importance of
formulating a strong life-plan right now. Set realistic and specific
personal goals. Some of those goals should be spiritual. It's wise and
necessary to forge ahead with life--to get established in the church and
community, to move ahead with a career, to purchase a home. The Bible
makes it clear that we are all to be watchful (1 Tim. 4:16), to make good use of our time (Eph. 5:16), to use our gifts for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31). Seek opportunities for growth and service to Christ. Form and
follow a clear and satisfying life-plan.
2. Loneliness. Billy Graham once said that loneliness is
the greatest problem facing humanity today. Two recent national surveys
identified loneliness as the number one issue in singleness. It ranked
ahead of managing time, for example, and sexual issues. Closely linked is
the need for companionship and intimacy. You may be lonely because you're
in school or have long hours of employment or shyness or the untimely
loss of a mate. Face your loneliness and do something about it. Don't
deny those feelings; acknowledge them, and take action.
You might begin by finding a church that
has established a healthy atmosphere where friendships can develop. Look
for opportunities to fellowship in smaller groups like Sunday school.
Find a church that sees the importance of mutual trust and respect,
privacy, toleration of differences, and realistic expectations of one another.
You'll fit right in!
Help your church become a safe place
where single adults can risk making friends. At the same time, do not
forget the advantages of solitude. Jesus went often to be alone. How many
mothers would give anything for "a moment's peace"? Singleness
gives you an opportunity for solitude.
You might also make friends with couples
who have a healthy marriage. You need to learn about the struggles they
face. At the same time, married people need exposure to you and your
needs. If you can find a church where singles and marrieds
can walk beside one another, bearing one another's burdens and doing good
to one another, your loneliness will be significantly eased.
But remember, the greatest deterrent to
loneliness is an intimate relationship with Christ. No amount of
involvement with people will ever take the place of fellowship with God.
When loneliness assails you, acknowledge your feelings to the Lord and
draw close to Him. The apostle James said, "Draw near to God and He
will draw near to you" (4:8).
3. Sexuality. As an adult single, you need solid biblical
teaching about sexuality that takes your situation into account. Look for
a church that does not accept the myth that all singles are living
sexually frustrated lives, or that there "must be something wrong
with them." Rather, a wise church will reinforce healthy sexual
attitudes for its entire congregation by:
Standing up to the liberalization of
sexual attitudes in today's society.
Showing what is wrong with the media's
view of sex and obsession with it.
Differentiating between intimacy and
sex.
Realistically warning of the
heartbreaking results of cohabitation.
Teaching the biblical truth about human
sexuality.
This last recommendation is of primary
importance. But how can it be accomplished? Some of it can be done from
the pulpit and in the Sunday school classroom. Seminar speakers,
Christian videos, and discussions in appropriate small group settings are
also effective.
The church can help in another, more
painful way. When it learns that one of its singles has embarked on an
unwise sexual relationship, it must have the love and courage to confront
that person, lead him or her to repentance, then forgive and restore.
Sure, it's difficult. The church might lose that person. But single
people, as well as the entire congregation, will know it's a church that
really cares and means business spiritually.
4. Contentment. Contentment is a key issue of singleness.
You may long for a mate. You yearn for children. You want affection and
acceptance and love--just someone to hold you. You want a nice home in
the suburbs, not a shared apartment.
Contentment is not a singles' issue
exclusively. Everyone wrestles with dissatisfaction and envy. The Bible
teaches that contentment begins and ends with God (1 Tim. 6:6).
Living by two key principles will help
you deal with the issue of contentment. First, contentment is not an end
in itself. No one can begin to let himself believe that he will be
content if he purchases a certain sports car, achieves a certain rank,
marries a certain woman, or earns a Ph.D. Those things simply do not
guarantee contentment. Besides, before they are even achieved, the person
has gone on to set new goals for contentment.
The second principle is that contentment
is found in enjoying God. Paul had the secret (Phil. 4:11-12). He said, in essence, that he could be content in prison or
out, in rich garments or rags, surrounded by friends or alone. Why?
Because for Paul, contentment was found in obeying and enjoying Christ.
It does us little good to live in the
"if only's" of life. How much better to find our contentment in
God rather than in something we decide will make us happy! You must have
the courage to ask yourself, "Have I ever thought that I should accept
my circumstances as coming from a loving, caring, good God?"
You also need to train yourself to think
more about the things you have than what you do not have. Remind yourself
that "godliness with contentment is great gain" (1 Tim. 6:6).
5. Service. Look for opportunities to serve. Avoid the
tendency to seek respect and recognition as an unmarried person. Look
instead for ways to help others see Christ at work in a godly single
adult. Be an example and an advocate for others who tend to be overlooked
in the church planning process.
6. Train for discipleship and ministry. Singleness is not a
good reason for inactivity or uninvolvement. As a child of God, you can
be actively involved in the ministry of your church and community. Get
some leadership training. Connect with areas where you can
serve--children's work, music, drama, teaching, the elder or deacon
board. You may even feel called to accept the chairmanship of a key
committee or board. The Bible places no limits on what you can do in your
church or the community.
Curtis
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